A response to being a musician's wife.

About a year ago, I wrote: How to be married to a musician
It's my "most popular" post, ever.

Apparently, it's a common phrase searched through Google.
Search traffic shows that lots of people find that post and my blog by searching:
"married to a musician"
"married to musician"
"being a musician's girlfriend"

Well, I get lots of anonymous comments in response to that post.
Usually they model the same comment as below:

"how did you deal with the fact that when you get married its becomes 'our' life when in reality, the band is his life? I mean everything you may have dreamed of for your life together then gets put on the backburner? What if he wanted you to share that life with him and go on tour and share that life, but the band doesn't want that? At which point is there ever an us and not his life that you just fell in to?"

There was no point in trying to send a response, since it was anonymous.
I don't take offense to the comment although I wish I knew who it was from.
Either way, they are pretty legitimate questions that I'll address today.

This isn't a life that I fell into.

I chose it. I encourage it. I support it.
I remember the exact day that I told Sean to try out for a band looking for a guitarist.
And I remember the feeling I had when they accepted him in.
And I remember the shocking feeling of suddenly not having him around 24/7.
It was a change -- and I adapted.

I'm not upset that his dream could become "our life".
Isn't that what happens anytime two people get married?
Why would someone marry a person if they didn't encourage their lifestyle? 
Or understand their passion? Or want them to succeed at whatever they desired?

I don't think the band is his whole life. 
But I know that music is the most important thing in his life.

But for the record, I am not a thing -- so
I'm not grouped in the same category.

So, yes, things get pushed to the back burner. 
And vacations are missed. And events are skipped. 
And things are "up in the air".

But our marriage? Our values? Our goals?... are all in line.
And isn't that what matters?

As for touring with the band -- not for me.
Would I stop my life, my job, my work to go on tour? No.
But if the opportunity presented itself -- 
would I move someplace else for Sean to be more successful? Yes.
That's what couples do. They support each other.
And they make sacrifices. 
And they talk about the possibilities beforehand.

I feel as though these are topics for discussion before marriage.
And it doesn't really matter what either spouse does for work.
People travel all the time. Professionally. And for hobbies. And for fun.

So, currently, I'm sitting on the couch, with a fleece blanket watching The Big Bang Theory.
I worked all day, sat in traffic for an hour and a half to get home and now I'm exhausted.

Sean's in the other room with 3 of his band members.
They're talking about music, and bands, and shows, and pre-production.
Music videos, what to do, what not to do.
They're talking about amazing bands, and not-so-amazing bands.
EPs and full-length albums, people they admire.
They're talking about songs, and imperfections, and choruses, and instruments.
They're passionate, and excited and looking forward to releasing music, gathering fans and playing shows.

And when they leave, I'll get a play-by-play.
And he'll come to me completely psyched about everything that just happened.
And the ideas that are flowing in that room right now will be tossed at me while I'm brushing my teeth before bed, and tomorrow on my way home from work he'll tell me more things that he forgot to mention tonight.
And I'll smile, and he'll talk, and I'll listen and he'll be heard.

So do I have the same passion for music that he has? No.
But do I want him to be successful in what brings him joy, and happiness? Absolutely.
He's my husband. He's my best friend. 
And he's a person who has a dream that could very well be our reality -- one day.

And what kind of wife would I be

 if I didn't want him to achieve his goals?


  1. Although I can't relate (i'm not married and am not dating or have ever dated a musician) I still appreciate this most very much! This just proves 1) You're such a kind hearted, selfless person...duhhhh 2) ya'll are perfect for each other, even though you're completely opposite in a lot of ways...but as they say Love is CrAzY and I'm so happy that you're so happy!!!!! love you

  2. That is very sweet and I agree. You support you man and hopefully he does the same for you. There has to be that balance in life.

  3. Very well written! I think your perspective on the topic of being supportive is spot on.


  4. Wow! This was so well written. Completely agree with everything you wrote! Great post!

  5. Agreed! Many people travel for work, some a weekend a year, some the entire month, some are deployed for a year, and marriages work. It is so important to understand these things BEFORE getting married. But still I'm sure whether it be a weekend or a year it is still hard to have your partner gone!


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